Thoughts cruise through my mind like logs on a lazy river

Have you ever felt so much that your mind can't process it

Your mind freezes like a Delhi winter

It needs some garam chai to free it once again.

Hurt floods me, shock slaps me like the icy winter cold,

Things I never imagined, memories I wanted to hide,

Buried deep in my soul, He thrust his knife deep,

And gauged out my insides.

I feel weak, exposed, vulnerable,

But the beauty is I had a white knight,

To hold my hand throuhg it all,

He hugged me and I did not cry

It felt like centuries had passed and yet...

We were old friends,

Each comforting the other, Trying to forget.

All we could do was reach out to each other,

Genuine fear gripped us,

We both lost face before our families but

We stuck together through it all

What do you expect?

I don't know

Is it worth it?

Yes. (Should I scream it from the rooftops?)

I have tried but failed,

I found the greatest happiness and success,

Through my biggest failure

The classic pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,

It is true that pain is the greatest bond,

You need to be willing to lose it all in order to find true love

You can pretend forever but the only person,

You really fool is yourself.

I like my new life.

It's not perfect.

Infact it's far from perfect but it makes me happy.

I am the poet, the dreamer, the journalist, the romantic, the traveller....

I was born to explore, discover, create, love and that is what I will do

By letting down your guard , you let people in,

By loving...you find love

By letting go of your inhibitions, your deepest fear, you find joy

I have lost a world and built a new one where I am the queen. I will never hand over my throne but I will share it one day. I dream all the time...someone pinch me coz this feels like a dream. I pull the covers up and bury deeper. I hold him close to my heart and listen to him breathe. I watch his face as all the worries of the day fade away. I see the good. I see an angel whose wings are injured. I can teach him how to fly again. I can teach him how to smile. I look into his soul and see myself.

18 months feels like a fucking lifetime! I have changed so much! I have found a sense of freedom that I can't really explain. I have learnt the importance of boundaries yet I have let go in so many ways! I don't care anymore about what people think about me. I live for myself! I am arrogant but not dangerously so, fiercely independent, very emotional, super detached, love my job, love my family and friends, love my life! I have discovered the strength to deal with anything! I have learnt to let go and embrace another point of view without losing myself! It's liberating! I understand myself...my reactions to situations, my needs, my moods, my world! I am no longer scared of being alone! I know what I want from a relationship...a need for closeness and understanding, no strings atached, honesty and love, detachment at times, someone who understands my eccentricites and emotional outbursts, someone whose shoulder feels just perfect when I'm feeling lonely, sad or even happy! I love being me...not pretending....and yet being accepted. Dressing up and yet chilling in shorts, jamming all the buttons on the playstation joystick. Being a total tom boy and yet being seductive! Being able to understand what's not said is the best feeling! In the world of media everything is about being eloquent and polished but it's nice to find someone who is just as messed up as me, as confused as me, as emotional as me, as attached and detached both at the same time. I love watching him when he sleeps! I can do it for hours. I love flirting my ass off but never crossing the line. I love the way it's always fresh, exciting, yet like a well worn shoe were we never have to start from point one. I have tried a million times to let go and he has tried a million times to hurt me into letting go or scaring me with a brave front but at the end of the day we both know we are happy together. We both know how tough it is to find someone who understands. We both are hurting and we don't need to say it out aloud to know. It's a special connection that let's you see someone's personal hell without opening the door. It's a special connection that opens a window into someone's soul when all other people can see is a blank wall. It's weird when you see someone so clearly and other people struugle to understand the basics. I love him like mad and have never felt this way about anyone before. He makes me feel safe and secure. I'm never scared of hurting him. It's like matching a cloth swatch and finding the perfect shade of grey. Why do I love him...not for his looks, his money or his standing! What do I hate about him...a million things. Why do I stay...because he is a carbon copy of me. Why does he stay...because I'm the only one who can calm him down, understand when he is hurting, let him be when he needs space, hold him tight without him asking. He held me the other night and whispered he loved me. He let his guard down after a year and asked me not to hurt him. He let go of his fear and let me in. He handed me the keys knowing fully well...the gravity of that move. Whatever I have been through in the last one week...this makes it all worth it!!!

This has been the best Diwali ever! I got all dressed up and went out with a new friend and and old friend. It felt just like home and being with family...which is what I treasure the most! Delhi always has surprises in store for me and that's why I love this city. I'm never bored here! Travelling, partying, hanging out, eating, laughing, doing bizarre things, flirting, moving down the check list, mad girl friends even madder guy friends! When I move on I will never forget this honeymoon period in my life! No worries, very few commitments and tons of fun! The mad hatter started it all. He liberated my soul! He played pied piper on the road to self discovery. He showed me that it's okay to step off the beaten path and forge a new one. He showed me that if people really care then they will love you, just the way you are! If people can't handle your true identity then keep them as aquaintances! I feel free for the first time! I have realised that true freedom is about freeing yourself on the inside! It's not about breaking every rule but about making your own rules. Responsibility and commitment to the people you care about make you feel like a better person...a self fulfilled person.

Do you believe in destiny? I do. I think that everything happens for a reason and certain people are in your life at a certain point for a reason. A friend has just come from Kolkata and has been in a similar position. I have a lot that I can learn from her. She has a simple strength and a beautiful smile that makes me feel I can do it. She gives me a strength and determination I have been craving. I am going to let go. I am going to skip the drama of rehab and forward planning. Instead I realise that half the fear is unrealistic. It is all just built up in my head. This is not the freedom I was craving. I am not a hypocrite and I can't lie to myself. I desperately want a hold on my life. I have given up too much and don't get anything in return. I am sacrificing my freedom, time and emotions. It's not worth it. I am gently going to let this paper boat go. I am going to walk the steps of an innocent child, raise my face, get drenched in the soothing rain and then bend down and put the boat in a stream and walk away. As it moves away I will watch with a bittersweet smile and no regrets. I will savour the good times and not hope for what was never meant to be. I will cry but the rain will soothe my broken heart. It is better to let the boat go while the storm clouds have calmed down. It is better to let the boat go before the downpour starts again. It is better to hold onto the last shreds of innocence before my spirit shatters like delicate crystal. I want to hold onto the last shreds of sanity left in my grasp. It will hurt now but I will look back and smile.

How much can art influence your life? I read a book called 'Kafka on the shore' and it has opened my eyes to the world. It has made me look at things in a different light. I met with a minor accident yesterday and there starts this story. Yesterday I learnt the value of being alive. I forgave people who I held grudges against, I let go of hurt and I learnt to see the value of being alive.

Today I went to the hospital and it was very bizarre but I was placed in between a 5 year old and a 60 year old. The child was fast asleep and looked angelic but she was unconscious. The old woman was very sick and was vomitting. I sat huddled on the bed waiting for the nurse to inject me. I am terrified of injections and hospitals but I decided that I would go alone and face my fears. As I waited, my palms began to sweat. I looked around to distract myself and spotted the fourth patient...a bleeding man on his death bed. The blood oozing out of his head soaked through his bandages and stained the sheet. It formed a puddle, much like the ones I love skipping through in the monsoon. He lay, unflinching, embracing his destiny while his family looked on helplessly. It struck a chord so deep, it freaked me out. I believe in luck and coincidence but this was eerie. It was a message that could not have been spelled out clearer by the universe. When you want something bad enough, the universe conspires to give it to you. This was one lesson I needed. Very Buddha and his four sights but I am going to stop saying that I'm just 23! Life needs to be valued at any age. Never forget to keep your eyes on the bigger picture!

Dreams convalesce,

Clothes fall,

Sharp contrasts,

Fight each other.

Two fighters,

Stand tall,

Look head on,

Shoulders taut.

Eyes unflinching,

Pupils flashing,

Then they collide,

And make love.

Palms sweaty,

Eyes moist,

Voices shaky,

Knees joint.

Muscles tense,

Fingers twitching,

Tears flowing,

Emotions unboxed.

XX__XX__XX__XX__

Bright colours,

Colourful emotions,

Sharp contours,

The sea monster surfaces.

Its thick scales glisten,

Like a 5 year old I listen,

Its hoarse whisper rages,

I shudder in fear.

Spectres rise,

Weeping, screaming, seething,

Lost souls wander,

My heart splinters.

My smile fades,

My eyes lose their spark,

My hands tremble,

My voice catches.

Tears struggle to escape,

Age old prisoners writhe free,

Looking for a way out,

But there isn't any

My fingers skim the paper,

My skin feels hot,

I roll the beads between my fingers,

Watching one follow the other.

Music wafts through the air,

A requiem to my dreams,

I breathe, soil fills my lungs,

I choke and I am jolted back to reality.

XX__XX__XX__XX__

A princess lived in a tower,

She had attention every hour,

Her prince was always by her side,

For her he lived and for her he died.

Each day she tiptoed to the sill,

But he drew her safely back in,

Each day her wonder began to grow,

Only...she did not let it show.

One night as they slumbered neath the stars,

He willingly let her out of his grasp,

At the world she could only stare,

She wanted so much but did not dare.

She waited till his body was still,

And then creeped toward the forbidden sill,

She sat on the ledge and peered down,

Then looked back at what she had found.

The fall was steep but she didn't care much,

She still remembered his gentle touch,

She pulled at the branches and whipped them back,

In courage she did not lack.

Come dawn's kiss, the palace awoke,

He reached out, her cheek to stroke,

In a flash he knew she'd run away,

All he could do was weep and pray.

XX__XX__XX__XX__

Lights flicker on the water,

They lick the cool surface,

They dance gently,

And play games.

One step forward,

And ten steps back,

Inspite of its beauty,

It reveals what you lack.

I stand on the edge,

And gaze at the dark surface,

The tiny spots jump,

Like a child running amiss.

I dip my hand in,

The cold envelopes me,

I withdraw instantly,

And see my reflection.

It hurts to look,

My hand reaches out,

But I stop myself,

This is not what life's about

Rudyard Kipling's words come to mind:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings,

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at the beginning

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew,

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you,

Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Obsessed

Focusing on one thing or person robs you of the simple pleasures that life has to offer. The feel of the wind caressing your hair, seeing a sunset and moonrise in one evening, catching up with girlfriends and unwinding. Just being! I'm leaving for Bangalore in two days and I have spent the entire week catching up with friends I have not seen in ages. It has been the most beautiful week ever! Let's see... I have met 5 friends in five days. Hanging with the boys was great fun. We drove though the rain, water pounding against the windshield, making funky patterns on the windows and waving at us. A chilled beer, roohafza, water, pizza and a smoke. Cool breeze, perfect weather and relaxed company. Next visit, runaway train. A cozy evening...CNN-IBN, NDTV, MTV...a host of channels, a bundle of laughs and inside jokes on the television industry. A chilled out convo, a perfect con job (I'm soon gonna be a professional con artist at this rate :) Itika Sharma after dat was sooooo relaxing. A stroll through Janpath, a string of flowers, tasty gulab jamuns and a surprise gift! Den a home cooked meal, face peel, a luxurious bath and our very own home disco! Finally we snuggled up and went to sleep with the AC on high! Now I'm at another friend's place...Subuhi. We had the most amazing day. We met at JNU and wandered like adventurers through the campus. We got lost but that was fun too. We walked through a construction site, wandered through a veritable jungle, and finally reached PSR rock! We sat there and watched the sun sink and the moon rise. Distraught lovers destined to meet twice and embrace but never to be with each other. Thus started our philosophical debate on relationships, Murray's theory of Self Actualisation, the essence of happiness and a variety of interesting topics. We just cooked dinner and are chilling in our nighties preparing to watch 'Obsessed'. Looking forward to a brirthday party and a nice long holiday. The obsession is fading and is fragmented over a wide range of areas. This is how I like it. Wide focus not narrow focus! Obsessed with life!

I wonder if I'll marry
I wonder who it will be
I wonder if I'll become a house wife
I wonder what Kay will do
I wonder how long my mother will live
I wonder how long Shawn will wait
I wonder if N will ever change
I wonder if Cos will find true love
I wonder if J and I will be friends for long
I wonder if A and I will last
I wonder if I can truly love someone more than myself
I wonder if I'll go back home in the near future
I wonder when I'll travel the world
I wonder how long I'll have intimacy issues
I wonder how many best friends I can have and mean it
I wonder what trust is worth
I wonder what true respect is
I wonder if this is who I really am
I wonder how I can live a contradiction
I wonder if this is all real
I wonder how long scars take to heal
I wonder if I can tame my mind
I wonder if my spirit needs to be tamed
I wonder if I believe in God
I wonder whom I trust, who should not be trusted
I wonder if the occult is for real
I wonder when I'll change
I wonder when I'll shift jobs
I wonder how many lives I truly impact
I wonder if love or friendship mean more
I wonder how rich I'll be
I wonder if the money I earn will ever be enough
I wonder if I'll have kids
I wonder how many people truly understand me
I wonder if it's so easy for some, why it's so difficult for others
I wonder what the future holds
I wonder when I can truly let go of fear and live my life
I wonder...

I feel myself opening up like never before. It's like it has not rained in years and the parched petals drink hungrily, lap at the drops as they tumble from the sky. Liberated like never before. Not restricted in time or space. Not held back by fear. An adult, in the true sense of the word. Experiences pile up and coagulate. Each affecting the next. A cauldron of emotions bubble on a white hot flame. They spill over the sides and cool into a white, hard crust, reinforcing the cauldron, adding to the well of emotion. As I sit perched on the ledge, like a tabby cat, waiting with expectation, waiting the whole night for it to rain, for it to pour, waiting for the rain to cascade down in silken sheets and wrap my naked body. As the first drops fall, I lift my face in wild abandon. It's been a year since I let the rain carress my body, since I let myself drown in nature's arms. As the cold fingers touch my skin, I shudder, I feel a chill run down my spine. I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling. I let the rain wash my tired body. I lie silently wait for it to drown my senses, to wash away all the hurt, to give me a fresh start. I sit like a zombie, immoblie, letting all my emotions surface. They get tangled in their rush to free themselves from their prison. A torrent of heat releases itself and I stop shivering. I bask in the safety, the security, the love. I stick my tongue out like a child and fight with nature to get what I want. The rain gently trickles along my tongue, lazily, knowingly. I wrap my arms around myself and realise that I am soaking wet. My clothes stick to my body and I throw my head back. I feel complete.