18 months feels like a fucking lifetime! I have changed so much! I have found a sense of freedom that I can't really explain. I have learnt the importance of boundaries yet I have let go in so many ways! I don't care anymore about what people think about me. I live for myself! I am arrogant but not dangerously so, fiercely independent, very emotional, super detached, love my job, love my family and friends, love my life! I have discovered the strength to deal with anything! I have learnt to let go and embrace another point of view without losing myself! It's liberating! I understand myself...my reactions to situations, my needs, my moods, my world! I am no longer scared of being alone! I know what I want from a relationship...a need for closeness and understanding, no strings atached, honesty and love, detachment at times, someone who understands my eccentricites and emotional outbursts, someone whose shoulder feels just perfect when I'm feeling lonely, sad or even happy! I love being me...not pretending....and yet being accepted. Dressing up and yet chilling in shorts, jamming all the buttons on the playstation joystick. Being a total tom boy and yet being seductive! Being able to understand what's not said is the best feeling! In the world of media everything is about being eloquent and polished but it's nice to find someone who is just as messed up as me, as confused as me, as emotional as me, as attached and detached both at the same time. I love watching him when he sleeps! I can do it for hours. I love flirting my ass off but never crossing the line. I love the way it's always fresh, exciting, yet like a well worn shoe were we never have to start from point one. I have tried a million times to let go and he has tried a million times to hurt me into letting go or scaring me with a brave front but at the end of the day we both know we are happy together. We both know how tough it is to find someone who understands. We both are hurting and we don't need to say it out aloud to know. It's a special connection that let's you see someone's personal hell without opening the door. It's a special connection that opens a window into someone's soul when all other people can see is a blank wall. It's weird when you see someone so clearly and other people struugle to understand the basics. I love him like mad and have never felt this way about anyone before. He makes me feel safe and secure. I'm never scared of hurting him. It's like matching a cloth swatch and finding the perfect shade of grey. Why do I love him...not for his looks, his money or his standing! What do I hate about him...a million things. Why do I stay...because he is a carbon copy of me. Why does he stay...because I'm the only one who can calm him down, understand when he is hurting, let him be when he needs space, hold him tight without him asking. He held me the other night and whispered he loved me. He let his guard down after a year and asked me not to hurt him. He let go of his fear and let me in. He handed me the keys knowing fully well...the gravity of that move. Whatever I have been through in the last one week...this makes it all worth it!!!